Hidden Temper Tantrums

Do you ever feel like you are always telling on yourself?  Well, I am about to do so again.  It seems I fail a lot doesn't it?  Yeah, and last night I was bombarded with thoughts from the evil one against myself because of it.  I had to do what was necessary to get him off my back.  I ran to Father God in prayer!!

Monday and Tuesday this week I had all 7 of our grandchildren.  They were beautifully behaved, so I was quite happy with the way things turned out.  There were a couple of skirmishes, but they were easily handled.  However, I had awoken Monday morning feeling extremely tired.  I'd had enough sleep, it was simply one of those days that happens now and again where I need extra sleep, but couldn't allow myself to take it.  I had children from 6:45 until 4:45 that day and needed to make the best of it.  We had fun, but by the end of the day I was thoroughly exhausted.  I still needed to make dinner and go to choir.  By the time I arrived at choir, I had nothing left in me.  I left at 8 instead of staying until the usual 9 pm. I apologized for that at rehearsal last night.

Tuesday things were going great and I was feeling I could make it.  Half the kids would be picked up at 3:45 or so, so I felt I could make it and still have maybe a little energy left for the evening.  Then my daughter called and said I'd need to bring them to her as she couldn't leave school due to carpet being laid in her classroom.  This meant I would have all of the kids until 5:30 and then need to take the rest to school.  I admit, I was disappointed, not because of having to take them or the fact that I would have them longer, but because I would have nothing much left come evening.  At least I thought that was how I felt.  When my husband came home and asked why I needed to take them to school, I told him.  I THOUGHT I said it in a manner that would convey the necessity rather than my weariness.  I was wrong.

We went to Burger King for dinner, because my sweet husband could see I was tired.  However, while there he asked me to do him a favor and not sound so depressed in front of the kids.  He didn't want them to get the wrong idea and think I didn't want them to be there.  I was livid!  I didn't say anything at first, because I was also in shock.  Then I told him that I was simply exhausted and didn't mean it to sound like I was depressed.  What I didn't say was, "but I am now."  I simply thought it.  I held back the tears and did my best to hold the angry thoughts at bay, but they kept raising their heads louder and louder.  I just wanted to go home!  I was throwing a hidden temper tantrum.

When we finally arrived home, I took a shower and then prayed.  I told God how I was feeling and immediately my oldest granddaughter came to mind.  Earlier in the day she had broken one of the light switches in the basement.  I wasn't angry, because I knew it was an accident, but I explained that you cannot just keep pulling on them as she had been doing.  She became angry and said how unfair everyone was being.  She also lied and said someone else had done it.  I decided to pick my battles and told her that it didn't matter who had broken it, no one should be pulling on them.  She then uttered how everyone treated her so mean.  A few minutes later all was well with the world.  She realized she wasn't going to be punished and so became happy again.

I decided I needed to analyze myself.  Was I really simply tired, or had I been feeling sorry for myself?  I finally came to the understanding that I indeed had been feeling sorry for myself, wishing I had more energy and more or less blaming God that I had come across as depressed.  If He had given me more energy that day things would have gone better.  Oh, the lies with which we deceive ourselves!  God allowed the weariness, yes.  He did not cause me to sound irritable though.  I caused that myself by not allowing the joy of the Lord that was actually very real inside me to shine forth.

The Bible study today was all about the seven R's of revival: repent of sin, allow God's redemption to flow through us, receive His forgiveness and Lordship, be renewed into fellowship with Him, allow Him to restore our hope and trust in Him, return to our first love and allow Him to revive us.

When I read these I immediately thought of those two days mentioned above.  Then I was reminded how God disciplines those He loves and true and complete healing began in my heart.  I forgave my husband for the unknown hurt he had inflicted.  He had done so out of love after all.  I knew it at the time, as I could see it in his eyes and his smile, which is why I hid my thoughts and feelings. However, I didn't want to think about this at the time it happened.  I forgave myself for allowing self pity to rule my life for a time and allowed God's forgiveness to flow through me with its healing balm.  I just pray I have learned a lesson that will stick with me.

Father, I have shared what You asked me to and I pray that it will minister grace to all who read it.  I thank You for loving me enough to discipline me and to rescue me from the attempts of the evil one to defeat me.  May Your children all come to realize that we can have daily victory even when we are suffering vicious attack.  You are our Strength, our Shield and our Deliverer. Renew our hope and trust in You in all things.