Drawing Nearer

"Trust and intimacy are tightly woven together.  If we do not sense we can trust a person, we probably won't take the time to get to know him or her.  And even if we do, we will be cautious."  (Charles Stanley - In Step With God)

As I read this paragraph ending this morning, my spirit began to moan.  I thought, "Lord, I have always had trouble talking with people and even with You.  Is it because I do not trust You enough?  I WANT to trust You completely!!"
 I have always thought it was simply the way I was created.  In other words, it was God's fault I am not good at communicating with others verbally.  This morning I have come to understand that it has been a choice.  I think I have know it all along, but simply did not want to admit it, or perhaps God has been quietly explaining it to me and I have simply not wanted to listen.  Either way, today He got my attention.  As I knelt in prayer and cried out that I wanted to completely trust Him, I realized that part of my problem was revealing what was really going on in my heart regarding certain people, or one in particular.  So I began praying for that person.  First I explained that I was feeling quite angry and resentful of the things this person had done to some of my family members.  After admitting this and asking forgiveness, I was given a picture in my mind of this person in an extremely deep pit; one of their own making, but a pit of slime and filth.  I asked the Lord to help them see the pit they have dug for what it is and to give them a desire to get out of it.  I told God that I realize that as human beings we have a tendency to allow ourselves to be pulled up out of pits, but be drawn right back into them out of familiarity.  In so doing, we tend to frantically dig them deeper, thinking we are benefiting ourselves, making ourselves more secure in it.  Truth is, we are simply making it more difficult to be pulled up and out.  When we finally realize we are exhausted from digging, exhausted from trying to get out, exhausting others as they try to help us climb, but sometimes simply give us more strength to keep digging, then we can fall on our face before God and cry out for help.  As I prayed I felt an urging to see this person the way God sees them.  So I said, "Lord, help me see them the way You do." 
Now I have asked God to show me what He sees before, but I have never meant it as deeply as I did today.  As soon as I finished asking, I saw a person literally wrapped in demons that were grasping and twisting tighter and tighter.  The head was at an impossible angle and there was a grimace of pain on the face; yet they were still digging.

I asked God to help me separate the person from the sin, so that I can love the person as I hate the sin.  This prayer brought me to a different place.  I cannot see the person apart from the sin until I am able to come to the place where I can see them in faith as the person God created them to be instead of the person they seem to be at present.  So I asked God to help me with this as well.

I cannot say I am there yet, as that would be a flat out lie.  But I can say that God brought my sweet husband to mind.  He reminded me that there were several years of marriage before I was willing to really trust him completely.  I would allow myself to trust him in outward areas, but I didn't trust him with really really knowing me.  I had a dreadful fear of rejection.  Over the years God has set me free.  In so doing, He gently urged me to begin to share who I really am at heart with my husband.  This was extremely difficult at first, but I started sharing things I was discovering about myself with him and he still loved me.  So I shared a bit more and he loved me even more.  Now I am not afraid to share any of my feelings with him and he now shares his inner self completely with me.  All it has done has drawn us closer and I think has allowed him to know me better that I know myself. He has been able to point things out to me that I have been blind to, which makes it possible for me to get before God to get them corrected.  I have been blessed to share with him as well, though I must admit, I tend to be a lot more blunt with him than he with me.
I have shared many thoughts with God, but it is time to stop holding anything back.  He knows me anyway.  Why we ever think not sharing our true thoughts and feelings with Him does any good, I don't know.  Stupidity I suppose.  Perhaps I should rephrase that to "lack of wisdom and understanding."  Whatever the case, I choose to toss aside the shackles of fear of sharing and put on the glorious armor of sharing all I have and am with my Creator and God.  I am certain that doing so will open another door of understanding and loving Father God all the more and what could possibly be better?  Absolutely NOTHING!!
Wisdom cries aloud in the street; in the markets she raises her voice;  on the top of the walls she cries out; at the entrance of the city gates she speaks:  "How long, O simple ones, will you love being simple? How long will scoffers delight in their scoffing and fools hate knowledge?  Give heed to my reproof; behold, I will pour out my thoughts to you; I will make my words known to you.... For the simple are killed by their turning away, and the complacence of fools destroys them;  but he who listens to me will dwell secure and will be at ease, without dread of evil." Proverbs 1:20-23, 32-33  RSV
Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.  James 4:8 ESV