I rise each morning as Job must
have done with the question of how my family has been behaving hounding my
heart. This morning I felt drawn to read Psalm 56, where the first
verse I ever deliberately memorized is located.
What time I am afraid, I will trust in Thee. Psalm 56:3
Such
a simple and short verse, but one that has had a powerful impact on my
being. I learned this verse as a very young child. I used to fear
simply walking down the street to my best friend's house. At the time
it seemed so far away and as if anything could happen to me along the
way. My childhood best friend (who has gone home to be with the Lord) and I met when I was two and she was three. She had
an older sister who was the same age as one of my sisters and the
two of them became best friends as well. Needless to say, we were all
at each others' houses frequently, almost daily. The times it was our
turn to go to their house were great, as long as my sister was able to go
with me. However, there were times when I was allowed to go and she
wasn't (and other times visa versa) when I had to walk that seeming mile
and a half by myself. During that time I would say this verse over and
over again until someone answered the door and said Susie could play.
If that didn't happen, ie: they weren't home or Susie had chores to do, I
had to walk back, muttering this same verse all the way home. A few
years back I made a trip to see the "old homestead" and discovered that
the trip was actually a few hundred feet rather than miles. Funny how
perspective changes as we grow, not only physically, but spiritually.
When I was fifteen, we moved away from that home
to Herculaneum. It was here that I received Jesus as Savior and Lord,
was baptized, and married. When I accepted Christ as Savior, I decided
to make Him Lord as well. Simply Savior was not enough. I had too many
fears - fear of walking down the street alone, fear of lack of
accomplishment, fear of meeting people, fear of going anywhere new,
fear, fear, fear....So, I decided that if I wanted to really be all I
could for Jesus, He had to be Lord of my life, so I gave Him me. I told
Him I wasn't worth much, but that He could have me and use me as He saw
best. I began to crave to know Him better and so asked Him to help me
study. Over the years He has taken me to places in His word I never
knew existed and has brought more excitement and confidence to my life
than I ever dreamed possible. However, I discover daily that I still
have fears.
As I mentioned above, the fear that my family may be
displeasing or disappointing to Father God grieves my heart
excessively. There are times when I witness a hurtful event with one of
them that I feel my heart will burst with grief. There is both
spiritual and physical pain in this, which may seem odd, but is true. A
few days ago I witnessed some angry and hurtful words being spoken
between one of my children and a grandchild. They both said hurtful
things that I know they did not mean literally, but I immediately felt
pressure in my chest as tears tried to push their way to the forefront.
Our child made the comment, "Don't speak hatefully to me!" The child
made a curt reply of similar nature and I could not help but say, "You
are BOTH saying hateful things!" It quieted them at least momentarily.
When I think about how grieved I become, how
literally pain and grief-filled it makes me to see and hear such
things, I am reminded that God feels all of this on a much deeper scale
than I, as He sent His Son to pay the price for those sins. At the very
moment we are committing them, we are turning our backs on His
sacrifice and saying we want to do things our own way, because we know
what is best for us. He knows where such sin leads us. Can You imagine
the grief He must feel, knowing that He placed His only Son on the
cross for us and we still have moments we reject Him? Even so, He loves
us so much that He waits patiently for us to come to Him in repentance,
holds us in His arms, wipes away our tears and says, "Forgiven and
forgotten my little one."
When I sit in fear of my children being disobedient
to God, or fear of my husband not eating properly and so asking for
health issues, or fear of going distant places alone (and by distant I
mean anything over ten miles away), I am saying, "God, You can't handle
this. If I don't try to change my children, my husband's eating habits
or find a way to do all I need to do as close to home as possible,
everything will go wonky." So in effect I am saying, "God, I am more
powerful, more wise, more loving, more capable than You." It is this
that I speak to the world rather than the faith I want to speak to
them. So this morning I make the following my heart cry before God:
My enemies (Satan and his dominions) hound
me all day, for there are many who fight against me, O Most High.
Whenever I am afraid I will trust in You. In God (I will praise His
word), In God I have put my trust; I will not fear. ..... You number
my wanderings; put my tears in Your bottle; are they not in Your book?
When I cry out to You, then my enemies will turn back; this I know,
because God is for me. In God (I will praise His word), In the Lord (I
will praise His word), In God I have put my trust; I will not be
afraid. Psalm 56:2-3 and 6-11
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