Drawing Nearer

"Trust and intimacy are tightly woven together.  If we do not sense we can trust a person, we probably won't take the time to get to know him or her.  And even if we do, we will be cautious."  (Charles Stanley - In Step With God)

As I read this paragraph ending this morning, my spirit began to moan.  I thought, "Lord, I have always had trouble talking with people and even with You.  Is it because I do not trust You enough?  I WANT to trust You completely!!"
 I have always thought it was simply the way I was created.  In other words, it was God's fault I am not good at communicating with others verbally.  This morning I have come to understand that it has been a choice.  I think I have know it all along, but simply did not want to admit it, or perhaps God has been quietly explaining it to me and I have simply not wanted to listen.  Either way, today He got my attention.  As I knelt in prayer and cried out that I wanted to completely trust Him, I realized that part of my problem was revealing what was really going on in my heart regarding certain people, or one in particular.  So I began praying for that person.  First I explained that I was feeling quite angry and resentful of the things this person had done to some of my family members.  After admitting this and asking forgiveness, I was given a picture in my mind of this person in an extremely deep pit; one of their own making, but a pit of slime and filth.  I asked the Lord to help them see the pit they have dug for what it is and to give them a desire to get out of it.  I told God that I realize that as human beings we have a tendency to allow ourselves to be pulled up out of pits, but be drawn right back into them out of familiarity.  In so doing, we tend to frantically dig them deeper, thinking we are benefiting ourselves, making ourselves more secure in it.  Truth is, we are simply making it more difficult to be pulled up and out.  When we finally realize we are exhausted from digging, exhausted from trying to get out, exhausting others as they try to help us climb, but sometimes simply give us more strength to keep digging, then we can fall on our face before God and cry out for help.  As I prayed I felt an urging to see this person the way God sees them.  So I said, "Lord, help me see them the way You do." 
Now I have asked God to show me what He sees before, but I have never meant it as deeply as I did today.  As soon as I finished asking, I saw a person literally wrapped in demons that were grasping and twisting tighter and tighter.  The head was at an impossible angle and there was a grimace of pain on the face; yet they were still digging.

I asked God to help me separate the person from the sin, so that I can love the person as I hate the sin.  This prayer brought me to a different place.  I cannot see the person apart from the sin until I am able to come to the place where I can see them in faith as the person God created them to be instead of the person they seem to be at present.  So I asked God to help me with this as well.

I cannot say I am there yet, as that would be a flat out lie.  But I can say that God brought my sweet husband to mind.  He reminded me that there were several years of marriage before I was willing to really trust him completely.  I would allow myself to trust him in outward areas, but I didn't trust him with really really knowing me.  I had a dreadful fear of rejection.  Over the years God has set me free.  In so doing, He gently urged me to begin to share who I really am at heart with my husband.  This was extremely difficult at first, but I started sharing things I was discovering about myself with him and he still loved me.  So I shared a bit more and he loved me even more.  Now I am not afraid to share any of my feelings with him and he now shares his inner self completely with me.  All it has done has drawn us closer and I think has allowed him to know me better that I know myself. He has been able to point things out to me that I have been blind to, which makes it possible for me to get before God to get them corrected.  I have been blessed to share with him as well, though I must admit, I tend to be a lot more blunt with him than he with me.
I have shared many thoughts with God, but it is time to stop holding anything back.  He knows me anyway.  Why we ever think not sharing our true thoughts and feelings with Him does any good, I don't know.  Stupidity I suppose.  Perhaps I should rephrase that to "lack of wisdom and understanding."  Whatever the case, I choose to toss aside the shackles of fear of sharing and put on the glorious armor of sharing all I have and am with my Creator and God.  I am certain that doing so will open another door of understanding and loving Father God all the more and what could possibly be better?  Absolutely NOTHING!!
Wisdom cries aloud in the street; in the markets she raises her voice;  on the top of the walls she cries out; at the entrance of the city gates she speaks:  "How long, O simple ones, will you love being simple? How long will scoffers delight in their scoffing and fools hate knowledge?  Give heed to my reproof; behold, I will pour out my thoughts to you; I will make my words known to you.... For the simple are killed by their turning away, and the complacence of fools destroys them;  but he who listens to me will dwell secure and will be at ease, without dread of evil." Proverbs 1:20-23, 32-33  RSV
Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.  James 4:8 ESV 

Along for the Ride

This morning I asked myself what I would say if someone asked me to describe my relationship with God.  I immediately thought of the blog I wrote on leg clinging.  Yep, that's what I'd tell about.  When I was a youth of sixteen, I cried out to God to be rescued from the consequences of my sin (The payment for sin is death, but the gift that God freely gives is everlasting life found in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 6:23 Jubilee Bible 2000)  at that moment I grabbed on to His leg for dear life...and He let me.

There is more than one reason I cling to His leg.  First of all, when I am scared, He wraps His robes around me and I can hide there and know I am safe.

There are times when things become too scary for me.  During those times He reaches down, pries my arms loose and snuggles me in His arms, allowing me to bury my head in His chest as I pour my heart out to Him in prayer, which is simply talking and listening to God.  He always listens and comforts me with His love and wisdom, then, as I allow His love to flow through me and am strengthened by it, He lifts me up and places me back in my favorite spot...clinging to His leg.  You see, if He didn't do that, I would most likely become too weak from fear.  The possibility is too great that I might slip off.  He would grab me, just as Jesus grabbed Peter when he began to sink in the waves (Matthew 14:22-33), but He'd really rather I didn't slip in the first place...and so would I.

Another reason is that it is fun.  As He walks, jogs or runs, I get the thrill of going along for the ride.  Let's face it, I'm a ride-a-holic.  I love the thrill of a fast and twisty roller coaster.  The faster, more twists and turns, height and, yes, the upside down loops, the better!!  I love the thrill of swinging.  The higher and more lift and thrust, the better.  Silver Dollar City has the Giant Barn Swing.  I could ride that thing for hours and even take a nap on it if they would let me!!

I love the spinning rides as well!!  Take me high and spin me around and I am excited, joyful and thrilled!!  There used to be a ride called Chaos.  It started you out like a merry-go-round, but then it began dipping.  It took you faster and faster until at just the right moment you could feel the locks on the seats release and you began to spin forward and did a complete flip over and over again!!  Yeah, I loved that ride as well!  When it broke and they could no longer gets parts for it, I was really saddened.  

Anyway, riding and holding on to Jesus' leg is a lot like those rides.  Sometimes we just swing and I am so relaxed I feel like I am floating.  Other times we simply move at such a fast pace that I lean back to feel the wind in my hair and I laugh in utter joy at all the miracles I see passing before me.  Then there are those times that I experience the joy of the twists, turns and upside downs.  He reveals something new to me in His word and my breath is taken away as I spin from the exhilaration!!  Yes, clinging to Jesus' leg is a greater thrill than any ride that ever has or ever will be invented.  I think He gave people the idea for the rides so they could experience what life with Him can be like.  Yes, it can be scary, but the thrill of knowing that you know He will always be there to grab hold of you if you begin to slip makes it every bit worth it!!

Then there are the quiet times when He stands still and allows me to simply observe what is going on in the world around me.  These are the times my heart begins to break as I see people of all ages being abused and murdered, hearts turning black against their Creator, people allowing the cares of this world keep them from experiencing all the different aspects of clinging to Jesus.  It is at these moments that He scoops me up and reassures me that He is still in control.  Yes, there is pain and destruction in the world, but it is because mankind has unwittingly at times and sometimes wittingly asked for it.  He has warned us over and over in His word that if we turn and cling to sin, the evil one (Satan) will take full advantage and use it to destroy us.  But over and over again man has chosen the lusts of this world over Him and in so doing, have chosen to suffer.  (John 10:10) I bury my face in His shoulder and cry.  The song "The Warrior is a Child" runs through my head and I ask, "How much longer God?"  The answer is always the same, "Soon."  Then He gently places me back in my preferred spot and takes off, sometimes at a walk, sometimes at a trot and sometimes...much to my great joy....at a full out run!!  How He can do this with so many clinging children I do not know, but He does it!!  And He has never failed me, nor will He ever!!

It is my hope and joy to think that someone might read this and decide to jump on with me!!  If you prefer, He will let you grab His neck instead.  As long as you hold on there you will always feel safe.  But if you enjoy the thrill of the ride, grab onto His leg with me!!  There's enough room, I guarantee!!  Whichever you choose, don't wait.  Grab on now and hold on for dear life!  What a thrill!!  What a joy!!  What a delight!!  the very best part is this...It will go on for eternity!!

Clinging to Joy - Final Chapter

I wrote in the first chapter of this journey that God had prepared me in several ways for this incredible event, but I left one very personal and loving portion out.  It wasn't deliberate, but I am glad it happened.  The day before my husband went into the hospital I had been studying for my Sunday School class of kindergartners.  I had learned an Israeli song called Dayenu (Die-A'-New) when my 5 year old grandson and I were learning about Passover.  Dayenu simply means "it would have been enough" and is about how God is all sufficient.  I wanted to find a simple video of children singing the song so I could show it to the kids and get them exited about singing it.  What I actually found was adults singing a new version of the song which made it a declaration of God's love for us in Christ Jesus.  The funny part of this is that the only reason I found theis is because I had misspelled the word.  When I type in the correct spelling, exactly what I was looking for comes up. Funny, but I can no longer seem to find it.   Anyway, I decided to watch and listen.  It was beautiful.  It talks about Christ's sacrifice being all sufficient to our needs and the peace and deliverance He brings to us when we accept His free gift of salvation.  As I sat in the hospital room, this song kept running through my mind.  It calmed my heart, wiped away fear and helped me feel God's presence and love in a way I had never experienced before.  My first week back (last Sunday) I did indeed teach the song to the children as I told them how much God loves them and wants what is best for them.  I gave them wrapping paper tubes cut into 12" sections to use as rhythm sticks.  When class was over and parents began picking them up, they got out their "sticks" and began singing Dayenu without any prompting.  My co-teacher looked at me amazed and said, "They remember it!!"  It was such a blessing!
The last thing I want to write about is the blessing of watching my husband do his best to minister laughter and gratitude to the doctors and nurses.  Even when his pain was at his worst, he was thanking them and apologizing for inconveniences.  I had more than one of them come to me and tell me, "We are supposed to be ministering to him, but he has been ministering to us!!"  The Sunday after the surgery we wanted to live stream our church service, but Adobe has decided to no longer support Androids, so we couldn't make it work.  One of the nurses he had touched came in with a hospital computer and set us up so we could watch!!  Others, who were nurses on the fourth floor where he was originally, came to visit him on the third floor to make sure he was doing well.  One was so touched she gave him a kiss on the forehead as a thank you.  As I witnessed all this, my heart was softened to want to do something special for all these wonderful, caring people.  I told God that if it was His will to place the desire on my husband's heart as well.  The next day he told me he wanted to do something....Send an Edible Arrangement to each floor.  We checked with the shift assignment nurse (a family friend) and she told us they were allowed to accept this and gave us the information we needed to send them. 
Everyone who has come to see us, including the in home care nurses, have all made the same comment, "You don't look like a patient."  No, he looks like a happy, healthy man, who loves and is greatly loved by his heavenly Father!!
Thanks for "listening" and allowing me to share my heart.

Clinging to Joy part 4

On the day of surgery, Dr. Noda came into the waiting room beforehand and explained that the surgery would take approximately 2 hours, but not to worry if it went longer, because they could get in there and find something else that needed work, which had happened before.  In that case it could take up to 2 1/2 hours.  One of the heart nurses came and asked for my cell phone number.  I had a little difficulty understanding her because she is still learning English.  I knew she was explaining why they wanted it, but for the life of me didn't grasp it.  I gave her the number anyway, figuring they needed it for a good reason.  They did.  They texted me how things were progressing.  I knew exactly when he was on the operating room table, when he was fully prepped, and when the surgery actually began.  I thought that was pretty cool!  Dr. Noda came out and told us when it was over.  The surgery had taken, believe it or not, just at 40 minutes!!  Not even an hour!!  Dr. Noda was quite pleased, told us they had found three really good veins to use and that he looked for a quick recovery. 

At this point I had a flashback to when my father-in-law had the quadruple bypass.  When we went in to see him he had tubes everywhere.  He was pale and barely cognizant.  So I prepared myself inwardly to see my sweet husband.  However, when we walked into the room he was fully awake and the only visible tubes were IVs.  He did have an oxygen mask as his body was still waking up and he was in pain from one of the drainage hoses, which made it hard to breathe.  He had great coloring and was able to talk to us though.  With beating heart surgery they are able to remove most of the tubes before the patient wakes up.  Another blessing!!
I was told they would rather I didn't stay the first two nights after surgery, as they would be waking him about every two hours to do different things, so I reluctantly left.  I knew I couldn't go home though, because I have a problem with needing everyone in my household, which consists of the two of us now, but was true when our kids lived there as well, to be in their beds at night or I cannot sleep.  So I asked my oldest son and his wife if I could go to their house.  They agreed and had already made me up a room in case this happened.  I have great kids!!
That first night after surgery, we got onto the elevator to leave for the night. I heard a young girl who had gotten on before us start giggling.  I looked her way, but didn't really see her face until she said, "You're Miss Simino from Sherwood."  Now I really looked and immediately recognized that little round face and big shining eyes of a child I had had the privilege of working with from kindergarten through 6th grade.  I couldn't remember her name, but I knew that face and said so!!  I asked how she was.  She told me that her daddy was dying.  As a matter of fact, they were removing life support that evening.  She told how she had been his primary caregiver over the past few years and how hard it was to let go.  When she finished, I hugged her tightly.  I told her that I had had two dads pass away; one lingered a bit and one died unexpectedly.  Either way, it is never easy.  Then I took her face in my hands as I did when she was little, looked in her eyes and told her, "You know I love you and I will be praying for you now and will continue."  She hugged me tighter and told me she was so glad she had "run into me."
As I walked away, I told God thank You.  He is so amazing.  Some would say how coincidental it was that that should have happened.  I know it was God at work allowing me to be His body and His voice to His hurting child.  Not only that, but He knew I was in great need of a really tight hug right then and boy, did it minister His love to me!!

Clinging to Joy part three

Monday evening we were told that the surgeon would be a Dr. Noda.  The nurse said we were really lucky to get him, as he doesn't stop the heart to do bypass surgery and is known as about the best heart surgeon in the St. Louis area. She said that Dr. Noda is actually leaving St. Clare to go to St. Anthony, which is why she thought it lucky. Another nurse told us that he is the reason she is at St. Clare...she followed him here so she could work with him.  I smiled and kept silent, but in my heart I was thinking, "Luck?  No such thing.  God is just doing what He does best; revealing His great love and protecting His children." 

The next morning Dr. Noda came for a visit.  He explained that Dr. Wagner had called him in for a conference over the test results.  After a thorough investigation he had discovered that not only was there indeed the blockage, but part of the reason for it is that the artery that feeds the right side of the heart is immature - a hereditary birth defect.  The two arteries on the left had taken over and were extra large, which is why his heart is able to be so healthy.  If he had a sedentary lifestyle, this would most probably not be true.  He then told him that the other reason he had the attack was stress related.  He asked about his job.  When we told him that he works a 40 hour week, over half of the weekends each year plus is on call 24/7 and gets called out at all hours in all kinds of weather, then comes homes and has been mowing three lawns, gardening, working on 2 houses and around our house and is always watching to see if a neighbor needs help with anything, he looked at us and told us that from now on he was going to have to learn his limitations and when to say no.  Family genes may have been the stone, but stress was the catapult that set this off.

Another aside for you: only a handful of heart surgeons in the United States are beating heart surgeons.  Most of them are in the St. Louis area.  Keeping the heart beating is paramount in swift healing.  Where a stopped heart surgery takes the patient about 4 1/2 weeks for recuperation (not complete healing...that takes longer) the beating heart surgery allows the patient to recuperate in 2-2 1/2 weeks, cutting the time in half.  In my husband's case, Dr. Wagner told him he probably wouldn't get to go home until Thursday as he had three obstacles to overcome - walking the hallways at least twice without being wobbly, all tubes and oxygen removed and a bowel movement.  And then he would gradually build strength over the next week and a half or so.  However, he came in to visit Sunday after the surgery on Thursday and said he had no reason to keep him.  He would be dismissed on Monday!!  Another miracle!!  More later!!

Clinging to Joy part two

Part two:

Another twist occurred in our story in that our neighbor, who also works for PWSD#1, had asked my husband to trade weekend duties as he had been in the hospital getting a stint in his heart the weekend before.  So now another worker had to be found to take the rest of the weekend.  Michael took the company work truck and I drove ours to this man's home.  I wanted to do the driving to the hospital as well, but any of you who know my husband will know that didn't take place.  When I realized he wasn't budging, I just told God, "Well, if he has a heart attack on the way and crashes the car, protect others."  Then I told myself that if we died in a car accident, at least we got to go to heaven together!! God got us there quite safely though and we walked into the ER hand in hand.  The registrar was seemingly surprised when he told her he was having chest pressure.  She pointed to the room behind her and told him to go straight in there.  I needed to stay and fill out forms.   I could see everything they were doing though as the room was glass.
By the time I entered the examination room, they had already taken an EKG and chest ultrasound.  Both were normal.  They declared he had not had an actual heart attack, as they could find no damage to his heart.  (Are you counting the miracles yet?  If not, you should probably start.)  We thought he might get to go home, but they wanted to do blood tests to make sure something wasn't about to happen.They took three vials.  They were going to do identical tests on each.  There are two markers, troponins T and I, that tell if you are starting an attack, having one, or are getting over one.  All of one of these markers came out negative...no attack.  The other came out .07, which some people have all the time, but for others can mean they began an attack a few days before and were now getting over it.  The next test, however, came back .126 and said he definitely had had an attack.  The third came back . 09, which told them the attack was ending now.  The doctor told us that he had definitely had an attack, but a very mild one and very minimal damage had to have been done, as it didn't show up in the rest of the tests.  

He said he would do a heart cath on Monday and really believed they would just find one partially blocked vein that had rubbed a scab and caused the attack.  They would stint it and he could go home Monday afternoon.

(A fun aside, that night I tried sleeping in the fully reclining chair next to his bed where we could hold hands all night.  Neither of us slept much at all.  The next night we tried switching.  I took the bed, he the chair.  No sleep.  When we were told we had a few more nights, Michael patted the bed and told me to get in.  I snuggled up next to him and voila, we BOTH slept quite well.  The nurses just chuckled and encouraged us that it was fine with them as long as we got some rest.  They are so sweet at St. Clare.  I have been in other hospitals that told us it was absolutely not allowed for anyone but the patient to be in the bed.)

Monday morning they came and took us to the cath lab.  The kids and I waited in the waiting room close by.  FYI - they don't put you to sleep for a cath.  You are placed in what they call "twilight."  You're awake, but you don't care what they are doing.  Well....that's not quite true in this case.  My husband remembers it all very well.  He kept telling the doctor that he shouldn't be awake because he still cared.  They had to give him 25cc more to get him to relax so they could do the procedure.  They had music going and he was telling them the song titles and performers, keeping them quite entertained.

About an hour later, a nurse came and asked me to follow her.  Dr. Wagner wanted to talk to me and show me something.  When he came out, he was rather pale.  He looked at me gravely and said, "Mrs. Simino, I have never seen such a healthy heart need bypass surgery, but your husband needs a triple bypass."  He took me in and showed me the video of his heart.  He pointed out a vein that he said was about 99% blocked.  That one could be stinted, because of its location.  He then pointed out a second vein.  He told me that one was not nearly as blocked.  However, it could NOT be stinted, as it is at a junction.  If they went to stint it and even the smallest amount of plaque was pushed loose, it could go straight to his heart and cause a massive heart attack.  He would be dead in minutes.  He then proceeded to tell me it was a really good thing that he came in when he did, as the next heart attack would probably have killed him.  Oh, our God is so VERY good!!

However, they had had to give him a particular blood thinner for the procedure and he couldn't have it in his system for surgery, so we were going to be there a while longer.  More tomorrow, if you are still interested, Lord willing.

Clinging to Joy

¹³ If you are wise and understand God’s ways, prove it by living an honorable life, doing good works with the humility that comes from wisdom. ¹⁴ But if you are bitterly jealous and there is selfish ambition in your heart, don’t cover up the truth with boasting and lying. ¹⁵ For jealousy and selfishness are not God’s kind of wisdom. Such things are earthly, unspiritual, and demonic. ¹⁶ For wherever there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and evil of every kind.
¹⁷ But the wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and the fruit of good deeds. It shows no favoritism and is always sincere. ¹⁸ And those who are peacemakers will plant seeds of peace and reap a harvest of righteousness. James 3  (NLT)
 It is so easy to watch others, see their happiness and allow ourselves to become bitterly jealous.  We cannot fathom why some people are so happy and we are so miserable.  Why, we ask ourselves, does it seem everyone else around me is happy and I am so miserable?  Life just isn't fair!!  What we neglect to discover is that those who seem happiest are sometimes swamped with problems; they have simply chosen the better way and it isn't happiness...it is joy.  Happiness is superficial and comes only from external happenings.  Both words (happy and happenings) come from the same root - hap, which in old English means "good luck." Joy, on the other hand, comes from the Latin gaudia and Greek gaio, both which mean "to rejoice."  (online etymology dictionary)  We all, every human being alive on the face of planet Earth has the same choice to make.  Will we seek happiness or live joy?  There is only One Source of true joy.  If we choose to turn our backs on that Source, then we have chosen superficial lives of happiness and to rely on our circumstances.  October 18, 2014 began like any other day in our household.  I woke by six a.m., read my Bible, prayed and started the daily routine of straightening the house.  My husband woke up and we checked to see what groceries we needed for the coming week and went to the store.  Shortly after we returned home, our daughter called to see if I would go shopping with her for clothes for their older son.  I agreed and we headed to the mall.  Four (yes, I  wrote four) hours later my husband called and asked if we were about finished.  He sounded a little agitated.  I figured he was hungry, as we hadn't had dinner.  I told him that yes, we were almost done and I was exhausted.  We should be home quite soon.  After I hung up, my daughter said she needed to make one more stop.  I agreed, but said it needed to be quick, as her daddy was hungry and tired.  As we were leaving the last store, my husband called again to tell me we had somewhere to go when I got home.  I assured him we would be there in ten minutes and hung up.  When we made it back to the house, our granddaughter wanted to come inside and see "Kpa."  He was dressed in casual dress clothes, so I decided he must want to eat out.  Our granddaughter gave him hugs and ran back to the car.  As soon as the car pulled from the driveway, I asked where he wanted to go.  He smiled that sideways smile and said quite calmly, "the hospital."  I smiled and asked why.  He continued smiling and told me he had been having chest pressure all day.  He had gone to Walmart to check his blood pressure.  It was 217 over 125.  He said he had thought, "now that ain't right," drove home and took an aspirin.  After a bit, he decided to see if he could bring the pressure feeling back or if it was over, so did forty (that's 40) jumping jacks.  He said he ended up lying in the floor on his back unable to move.  That is when he called me the second time.I looked at him, my heart skipping a beat and said, "Okay then, let's go."  This story is a bit long, so it may take a few writings to get it all in.  However, I want to make certain that anyone who reads this gets a full grasp of how wonderful, loving and compassionate our God truly is.If anyone had been looking in on my husband and me that night, they would have thought the fact that we were so calm about this whole thing rather strange, I am sure.  What needs to be understood is that God had been preparing me for this for quite some time.  A few years ago, sitting in church, we began to sing "I Surrender All."  A question floated through my mind, "Have you?"It wasn't too many weeks before that that I had surrendered my children and grandchildren over to God, thanking Him that He knew what was best for their lives.  This was an extremely difficult process for me as I tend to be a momma bear over all of them.  I had to come to the place of admitting that God knows more than I.  He knows what truly is very best for each of their lives.  I only know what I think is best.  Anyway, I knew where God was going with this and I didn't want to go there!!  I continued to sing and God continued to ask.  I began to cry and had to sit down.  Finally, I said, "Okay, Lord.  I surrender my husband into Your complete care.  If I one day have to be without him, I choose to love, trust, praise and worship You.  You will never leave me or forsake me, so I choose You."  I continued to cry and pray a bit longer, but walked away feeling more secure in my relationship with my heavenly Father than ever before.  Other things happened along the path to our hospital trip that warned me of its approach, but this was the most significant and the one that kept me calm.  I knew that I knew - God has our best interests at heart and will bring those things about.  That is not to say I didn't cry.  Of course I did!  The loneliness that came over me at the thought of possibly losing my husband grieved me!  But I have a heavenly Father to turn to and turn to Him I did!!  I buried my face in His robes and clung to Him with everything I had.  It wasn't easy.  Outside forces tried to pull me away.  They tugged, prodded, jabbed, screamed at me, but I refused to let go.  I was too scared of what would happen if I did, so I held on for dear life and smiled at the knowledge that as long as I did so, all was well.More tomorrow, if the Lord permits.