Motive

     My husband and I love to watch a good murder mystery together.  We are not talking about the gruesome, graphic ones.  Those we refuse to watch, because quite frankly, they make us want to throw up - literally.  However, to sit down and watch a good Miss Marple, Inspector Poirot, Charlie Chan and for current ones - NCIS or Castle, is a challenge for us.  Most people would not enjoy watching them with us, because we talk during the shows.  If it is a DVD, we will pause it to discuss what is going on, who we think committed the murder, theft, etc. and why.  We do this periodically, when we have a change of mind or discover a new clue.  The main thing we look for in doing this is motive.  The cheesier the motive the better, because, let's face it, it is usually going to be the least likely person (I hope I am not spoiling this for anyone) for the most obtuse reason.  Anyway, as the years have passed we've gotten better and can usually figure out the who, but the motives still get away from us.  This keeps us going.  Every great once in a while we get the motive correct too, but not often.  However, half the fun is suggesting possible motives and we come up with some doosies!!
     I am currently reading the last of five novellas about men who "quietly changed eternity" by Francine Rivers.  It is entitled The Scribe.  I am only getting ready to begin chapter three, so have a few to go, but this morning I read these words, "I will never forget Jesus' eyes as He answered my questions.  I had sought His approval; He exposed my pride and self-deceit.  I had hoped to become one of His disciples; He told me what I must give up to become complete.  He gave me all the proof I needed to confirm He was the Messiah.  He saw into the heart of me, the hidden secrets even I had not suspected were there."
     The word "motive" immediately popped into my thoughts and I began to ponder my own reasons for wanting to do some things.  Why do I feel the need to do them?  Am I wanting to do them because I want to obey God's voice, or is it because I desire recognition?
     As I continued reading I came upon these words and recognized them as words I have actually prayed regarding myself, "I knew He had not asked the same of others.  Why did He demand so much of me?"  I have to admit that I felt some relief at reading these words, as it helped me realize I am not the only person to have ever felt this way.  I imagine every Christian has at one time or another.  So, when I DO obey, is it simply out of love for my Savior, because I want to get Him to leave me alone regarding it, to receive a pat on the back that makes me feel I must do what He asks?  Any of these ways gets the task accomplished, but how many blessings have I missed out on by doing things more or less out of spite?  What are my motives anyway?
     The last passage that stepped heavily on my toes was as follows: "I cannot explain what I felt as I watched Jesus outside the city gate, nailed on a Roman cross.  Men I knew hurled insults at Him.  Even in His hour of suffering and death, they had no pity.  I felt anger, disappointment, relief, shame."
     The word "relief" jumped off the page at me.  How many times have I felt relief that I would not be allowed to do something I knew should be done, or rather relief that I had good excuse not to do so?  I cannot name a specific time, but can tell you I remember having the feeling many a time over.  I was reminded quite definitively today that we all do exactly as we please.  If we truly want to see something accomplished, we will pray and work until the goal is met.  If we feel too tired, confused, frustrated or that no one will stand alongside us as we work, we throw our hands in the air and seek excuses for why we cannot get the job done.  At least I do. 
"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness."  I John 1:9
Lord, forgive me for always seeking motive as to why I cannot do what You ask of me and help me instead learn to seek Your reasons for why I should move ahead.  Purify my heart and make me a woman after Your own.  I realize the impossibility of doing things in my own strength, but with You all things are possible.  Make me a woman of possibilities - a woman who truly walks in faith believing.