I Want? or I Will!

“What are you going to do today?” This is the question my husband asks each morning. What he is really asking is, “Are you going anywhere today?” Why? Because he prays for my safety and is on the alert if something should happen where I need his help. There have been a few times he has had to come to my rescue while I was out running errands. This morning I thought a moment and then told him I didn't really know yet. That was the truth. I don't have anywhere I need to go, the house is clean, just needs a little straightening which will take all of maybe an hour to accomplish, so now the question is, “What do I want to do with my day?” Want...there's that word again. What do I want to do.

A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest; so shall your poverty come like a prowler, and your need like an armed man. Proverbs 24:33-34 (NKJV)

As I read these two verses this morning I was reminded that I could choose to do nothing to very little, (Which is something we all say we wish we could choose, but don't really want as it is BORING!!!!) or I could pray and ask God to guide me through the day and do the things He lays on my heart to accomplish. I can choose whichever of these I want. If I choose the first, I will sit around maybe reading a book, watching TV, playing a game, but accomplishing nothing of much import and at the end of the day I will feel dissatisfied. I know, because I have actually made this choice more than once before. Now, admittedly, if I made this choice day in and day out, I would not really know and understand the joy of accomplishment in hard work, so wouldn't recognize the dissatisfaction that comes from it, so would not know what I was missing. However, there was a time many years ago that I did a study on laziness and realized that I had allowed that evil companion to run my life.  This made a rather drastic change inside me.  I claimed that I wanted a clean house, wanted time to sew, wanted time to crochet, wanted time to study, etc., but during this study I dug deep inside and made an astonishing discovery. I will do whatever it is that I truly want to do according to what part of me I am listening to at the time. If I am listening to my flesh, I will want to do something I consider restful all the time. What I will accomplish from doing so is filthy clutter around my home, which will lead to arguments over things not being able to be found, gifts not being completed so having to go out and spend more money, weight gain because my body is not getting the exercise it needs, health problems, because I will be breathing in the dust and germs I refuse to get rid of, etc., not to mention the general crankiness that comes from always feeling tired from doing little to nothing.

If I choose to listen to my spirit, which is a worker created in God's image, I will work hard, play hard and truly enjoy life as it was meant to be enjoyed by the Creator. I will have a clean, but played in home, (so there may be a few toys and things out here and there) I will be healthier, striving against lost articles will cease and there will be more peace in my home. I will stop saying, “I want to take my family to church,” “I want to spend more time with my children,” “I want to have more money to give,” and so on, because I will realize that I can do whatever I really want to do if I will simply get up and get doing. As long as I keep saying “I want” I will never get to the point of saying and really meaning, “I will.”

My life has had many ups and downs. As I think back on the downs, I realize that many of them, not all, but many, were related to my making a choice to listen to my flesh. For instance, several years ago I was backing out of the garage at night. I was feeling irritated at my husband or kids at the time (I don't remember which) when one of them turned out the light in the garage. I allowed my temper to rule and floored the gas pedal. I misjudged and ended up shattering the side mirror. Cost over a hundred dollars to repair. You would laugh to see how cautiously I back out of there now.

When I started having children, I used them as an excuse to not have a clean house. Because of this, I experienced many an embarrassment of people coming to surprise visit to a very messy house. Once I was willing to admit that I was choosing to have a messy home, I had to blame myself instead.  However, my house became clean, even though it was "busy" with toys, games and puzzles.

Let it be understood that it is my opinion that if a house with children living in it does not have toys laying around during the day, there is something wrong. Children need the freedom to use their imaginations, with their parents guidance. Without guidance, imaginations can get you into trouble. (Just ask any child from birth to 100 who can talk.) There is a huge difference between a messy house and a lived and loved in home. Our homes, both our body and building, need to be clean not only on the outside, but on the inside as well. Living and loving will cause bumps and bruises, and scattering of toys, but a little straightening fixes that so that we can begin the living and loving fresh every morning.

Father God, there have been many a time that I have said I want to do something, but have done nothing about it, which tells me I didn't really want to do it after all. Help me continue growing in this area to reach the place of asking You each morning what needs to be done and share with You the things I think I would like to do so that You can work in me to not only want, but to will to do them if they also be Your heart desire for me. If they are not in Your plans, then remove the want. Help me not to pass blame onto others that actually belongs to me for not meeting a particular goal. Remind me each day that I am the one making the choices, so I need to take responsibility for the results. Help me also remember that straightening my body and building houses needs to be a daily event. Letting things slide for a time only brings frustration and a heavier burden and makes it easier for laziness to take hold. Don't allow Your children to be lazy. Work in us to will and to do Your good purposes. (Philippians 2:13) In Jesus' precious name I ask it.

I'll Tell You What I Want, What I Really, Really Want - What I Need

I used to sit and ponder who I would marry.  There was a good reason for this; my mom spoke of it often.  She had four girls and only one boy so she would sit with us girls and tell us to pray about who we should marry.  Her heart desire was for us to all marry strong Christian men whom she could trust to take care of her daughters.  She did not say that, but as the mother of only one daughter and two sons, I know I prayed for my children to marry strong Christians, because I wanted them to be as happy and, if possible, even happier than their daddy and I.  I believe this is every loving mother's dream for their children.  Besides, she said as much. 

I remember well the thoughts I had regarding marriage: I want a man at least six feet tall, broad shoulders, black wavy hair, strong hands, hard worker, a Christian who is not afraid to show it, a non-smoker, a non-drinker of alcohol and who rarely, if ever, used curse words.  For those of you who didn't know him, I was describing my daddy - except that he smoked off and on again.  I hated it.  It made me cough just to smell it, even though he didn't normally smoke in front of us.  It was what I thought I really wanted and needed.  I was correct in many areas.  I needed to marry a Christian man who could and would control himself in all those areas, but what I didn't think about, but God knew, was I also needed a man whom I could trust in everything, who would never cheat, who would love me as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself up for it, a devoted workman, intelligent and with a great sense of humor.  I could go on, but suffice it to say, God knew the perfect man for me.  He does not have dark wavy hair - as a matter of fact it is quite the opposite, blond and straighter than straight, and he is just a tiny tad under six foot.  However, he has the broad shoulders and strong hands and all the rest of my list.  I am so glad God didn't just listen to my list and give me what I thought I wanted, but rather knew me so well that He gave me what I truly needed. 

In the book of Acts chapter three we read about a lame man whose friends brought to the Gate Beautiful, somewhere outside the Temple, every day to beg for money.  One day Peter and John were heading in to the Temple for prayer and they went through this gate.  When the man saw them he asked for what he thought he needed: money.

Peter and John stopped.  They looked at the man and God moved their hearts on his behalf.  Peter said, "Look at me!"  He wanted the man's full attention.

Side note: The other day I had three of my grandchildren spending the day with me.  I had been looking forward to this and had a blast, but one of them was way overly tired from staying up late the night before.  He kept saying he wanted to do things, but really didn't know what it was he wanted to do, just something!  We were playing games together, but he wanted to "do something" with the games before we played.  I asked what it was he wanted to do, but he had no answer, he just wanted to do something.  He dropped to the ground in a heap and started whining and crying.  He knows that this is something I do not put up with, yet tried it anyway.  I made him look at me so he could see I was completely serious and reminded him of the consequences, but he kept it up.  I finally scooped him  up and put him in bed.  I then told him that if he got rested and felt he could control himself and stop feeling sorry for himself, that he could come back in and join us.  He stayed in there for about a half hour, then came back and there were no more episodes for the rest of the day.  As a matter of fact he was quite cheerful.  He wanted to do something, but he needed rest.  After resting he did lots of things.

Just as I had my grandson look at me so he could see how serious and determined I was, Peter desired for the man to look at him for the exact same reasons. He then said to the man, “Silver or gold I do not have, but what I do have I give you. In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, walk.” vs. 6, and the man jumped up and began leaping and shouting and praising God.  God's Holy Spirit worked through Peter in the power of Jesus' name to give the man what he truly needed rather than only what he thought he wanted.  Now the man would be able to work and earn a living rather than have to beg.  He would be walking and have the money necessary for survival.

Father, thank You for not simply creating us and sending us out on our own, but staying with us and looking deeply into our hearts in order to give us what we truly need rather than what we think we want.  How amazing that You know what I need better than I, and even more so that You give it to me!!  You could give me what I ask without looking forward to my need, but You never do!!  You always do what is absolutely best for all Your children.  We sometimes are a bit ungrateful, because we forget that You know us better than we do.  For all those times I ask forgiveness and I want to express now my gratefulness for Your absolute generosity!!  Help me be more like You in every way, especially in this area.

Conscious Consideration

Generosity helps free us from the dangers of money.  The antidote to materialism is generosity.  Generosity leads us to greater dependence on God.

Which of these three statements has the greatest meaning for you and which the least?  Why?

I was asked this this morning.  The first one should have read "helps free us from the dangers of the love of money."  I disregarded it on this point alone.  The love of money is extremely dangerous and can lead to all types of entrapment, but money in and of itself is simply a means of trade.  While this is most likely what they meant, if a new Christian were to read this statement, it might confuse, frighten or even anger them.

The second statement is comparing materialism to a disease, which is quite appropriate in my opinion, as scripture does the same thing.  Since I already knew and agreed with this, I had to choose the third.  I would have anyway....it's the only one I hadn't really consciously considered before. 

One who is gracious to a poor man lends to the Lord, and He will repay him for his good deed.  Proverbs 19:17 (NASB) 

He that follows Lord Jehovah shows mercy upon the poor and he is rewarded according to his works.  Proverbs 19:17 (ABPE - Aramaic Bible in Plain English)

When I am generous, I am stating without words to the one receiving, "I believe God will meet all of my needs in this area, so don't worry about me." 

I remember a time just under two years ago when a neighbor called and asked to borrow some pumpkin.  Now I had PLENTY of pumpkin in my pantry as we like to keep it on hand.  We have a family (minus one) who absolutely love pumpkin pie, pumpkin bread, pumpkin cookies, pumpkin whatever, so  when we heard there was a pumpkin shortage, we looked until we found some and bought twelve cans.  When this precious neighbor called, you would think I would have cheerfully said, "Sure!  I just bought a bunch of it!"  However, I humbly and ashamedly admit that I said the opposite.  I didn't lie, but what I said was, "Well, I have some, but I am reluctant to lend it as there is a pumpkin shortage and Thanksgiving is coming up."  She immediately said she understood and would simply go to the store and look for some.  I felt bad and then told her I guessed I could give her a can, but she assured me all would be well and hung up.  I almost cried.  I felt so horrid inside!!  Talk about selfish!  Here I had twelve cans, she had none and all she asked for was one!  I will hopefully never forget that day as long as I am alive on this earth so that I never make that sinful error again!  What I effectively said to that neighbor is, "I have to keep all this pumpkin because God may not provide me with what I need for Thanksgiving, so I have to do it myself."  How prideful and arrogant!  I sought and received forgiveness and asked God to gag me if I ever talked that way again! 

I love the ABPE version of Proverbs.  This may not be true for everyone, but it opens the verses to my spirit in new ways and helps me better understand what God is wanting to build up in me.  "He that follows Lord Jehovah..."  Have I made Him Lord of my wealth both materially and financially?  If so, am I truly following Him in every area of generosity?  He gives to me moment by moment.  Each breath I take is a gift from Him.  Each hug, each time of laughter, each word of love and encouragement, each hour of sleep and wakefulness and everything else that is of value in my life are all a gift from Him.  If I truly want to be like Him and reveal His love to others, then I will open myself up to the vulnerability of generosity every moment of my life.

Lord God, I know that I will never be able to match up to You, but I can strive to out of my love for You!!  Continue to discipline me in this area, helping me to continue on through the growth pains so I can become as much like You as is possible in this frail human body I exist in.  I thank You that one day this body will be perfected and serve You in ways I cannot fathom now, but will revel in then.  Thank You for loving me now and forever regardless of how I am at this moment!!

Silver and Gold

(John 3:16) For God so loved the world He gave......and He gave, and He gave and He is still giving.  So why then, as His children, do we find it so hard to give generously?

I am not just speaking financially.  Money is the easy route.  Someone's having a birthday?  Give them money and your troubles are over. No need to find out what it is they really want or would enjoy.  Money takes care of it all.  Let them do the work of purchasing their own gift.  Not that giving money is always a lazy way out.  Sometimes it is just the right gift.  Sometimes money is what is not only wanted, but needed.  However, in that case, research must be done to discover the fact that it would be the best gift, so extra giving of self is still involved. 
Self - a person's essential being that distinguishes them from others, especially considered as the object of introspection or reflexive action.  This is another part that makes it hard for us to be generous - introspection.  When we look deep inside ourselves we see something ugly - we don't really want to give. 

Why?  Love is the key; not erotic love or friendly admiration, but that deep abiding love that doesn't look at the outside of a person so it can be critical and judgmental, but that sees the heart and wants to do something for it.  That kind of love sees the wounded look in a person's eyes when something hurtful is said, or the trapped look of the abused, or the hunger in the depths of the lost and unloved.  The kind of love that aches with these who are hurting, cries with those who are grieving and longs to do something about it. 

When we look deep inside ourselves we see a vengeful being who wants to get all it can get from a world that has taken from it all it can.  The god of this world takes and takes and takes, hurts and injures and at times succeeds in actually destroying, which makes us angry, hurt and vengeful.  If we see this within ourselves it scares us.  This keeps us from true introspection and the cycle of selfishness, but, as God's children, desiring to be generous continues.

Today I looked up how our financial status compares to the rest of the world.  Here in America we are considered poor, lower middle class, middle class, upper middle class and rich.  The problem in America is not how the government ranks us, but rather how we rank ourselves.  I discovered that the actual current median range of salary in this country is  a tiny bit over $50,000.  The government therefore wants to describe middle class as being approximately $40,000-$60,000 per year.  Yet any family with children can tell you that if they make less than $60,000 a year, they have trouble making ends meet.  This is partially due to taxes and partially due to the fact that the more we have, the more we want. 

I also looked at how my household ranks in the world financially.  I made a rather startling discovery.  My household is in the top 20% in the world.  In the U.S. we are considered middle class, but the world considers us extremely wealthy.  Shouldn't we then take a closer look at why?  This morning I realized this is one of the unjust scales in my life - I have always considered myself financially one way, when in reality I am extremely wealthy.  It is all about attitude.  I am not saying we should all start giving all our money away to whomever requests it.  God's word tells us to "be gentle as doves, but wise as serpents" (Matthew 10:16) because the world is full of wolves who seek to devour all He has so generously given us.  However, I am saying that when asked to give, we should pray and seek God's will regarding our decision.  Tithing is important - not to God, but for our own benefit.  It is the starting point that teaches us not to worry about money. I discovered this myself when I felt led to take an early retirement.  At first I had a really difficult time paying all the bills.  I was used to paying them and having a little left over, but now I was paying them and barely making it.  I became a little scared.  One day I was sitting in church listening to the sermon when bills started going through my head.  Nausea threatened me, so I turned to Father God and angrily, yet confidently said to Him, "You know what God?  I'm tired of worrying.  You told me to quit my job, so YOU take care of the bills!"  Then I listened to the end of the sermon.  I had missed most of it.  Anyway, we continued tithing, I began trusting (Michael had never worried about it evidently) and I became amazed as the months went by!  Gradually, not only were our bills paid, but suddenly there was an extra $100.  Then we started throwing change in a cup to pay for new kitchen cabinets.  I swear the money multiplied in that cup!  We purchased one cabinet at a time, but within a year of the first purchase, we had them all.  Next we started saving coins for new windows (our house is 42 years old and has had very little done to it up to the time I am speaking of). We now have all the upstairs windows in and the big picture window in the basement.  I could go on and on about how God has provided for us and turned our run down house into an almost completely new one, but suffice it to say, I have become more generous and trusting in the process.  We now give a bit above the tithe and God continues to bless. 

This could be construed as a "give to get" message, but PLEASE do not take it that way!  I do not believe that to be scriptural in the least.  We must give out of love and trust or our gift will be fruitless.  We give to make a difference and to bless our heavenly Father.  Any other reason for giving is simply selfishness: either done to raise self esteem and image, or trying to force God's hand to give something to us in return.  The point I desire to make is that we can never out give God!!  He has already given us the ultimate gift in His Son Jesus Christ.  We need nothing more than Him.  However, the more love we demonstrate for God, the more He will demonstrate His for us to us.  In what manner He chooses to demonstrate it should be left up to Him.  Just as we don't want someone telling us how to use our possessions, we should not try to dictate to God how He should use His!!  He may choose to show me His love by NOT giving me what I desire, because it would develop more selfishness in me.  If that be the case, then I don't really want it!! 

Lord, life in this world makes it very difficult to not have unjust balances.  The enemy has a way of manipulating the truth of Your word to turn it into a lie of murderous proportions, but that appears to be an intelligent choice.  In actuality, if we are not very careful to seek Your wisdom regarding it, it can destroy us, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, financially and in ways we don't even realize until it happens.  Pour out Your wisdom on Your children, O God!!  We need it in order to live lives worthy of Your calling!  Grant us understanding and teach us contentment.  Help us learn to be grateful for all You have given and desire to give us if we will simply seek You out and trust You!!   And help us remember that it is not financial blessing that is greatest - but wisdom and understanding!!
How much better to get wisdom than gold! To get understanding is to be chosen rather than silver. Proverbs 16:16 (ESV)

Unjust Scales

Dishonest scales are an abomination to the Lord, but a just weight is His delight.  Proverbs 11:1  (NKJV)

Generosity - the quality of being kind, understanding and not selfish: the quality of being generous; willingness to give money and other valuable things to others. (Websters)

This is a good definition, but I like another even better:

gen·er·os·i·ty

[jen-uh-ros-i-tee] Show IPA

noun, plural gen·er·os·i·ties.

1.readiness or liberality in giving.

2.freedom from meanness or smallness of mind or character.

3.a generous act: We thanked him for his many generosities.

4.largeness or fullness; amplitude.

(Thesaurus.com)

I never really considered the word much before.  Recently our pastor had the church send a book to every member called Generosity: Moving Toward the Life that is Truly Life by Gordon MacDonald.  When we first received it I was in the middle of another study, so I set it aside until I finished.  A week ago I finished the other study, felt drawn to this one and so picked it up and began.  I did not realize I needed such an awakening in my spirit. 

Before I write more, I recommend that, even if you cannot find the book in order to do the study yourself,  watch the videos that go along with the book.  They are free and you can find them at generositybook.com.  It just may surprise you the way it did me.

I have always considered myself a fairly generous person.  That's great, but once this study began to get hold of me, I realized I don't want to be "fair" at anything, especially in the area of generosity.  This particular book doesn't have you really dig into scripture, so to speak, so I asked God what portion of the Bible I should be delving into to go along with this.  Proverbs immediately came to mind.  My thought was, "Oh good!! I get to study wisdom again!"  Little did I know there was a much more in-depth look into Proverbs that God wanted me to journey through.

At the end of week one I was given some questions to ponder.  (Quotations are my personal responses at the time.)  The book asked what I thought of three statements: 1.  God is the first and most generous giver: "Duh! Of course He is!  He sent His Son to die in my place.  There is nothing more generous than that.  Not only that, but He just keeps giving and giving and giving, meeting not only me needs, but fulfilling heart desires that I sometimes don't realize I have until they are met!!"  2.  When we give, the world takes notice: "I would like to think so, but in today's world it almost seems that, unless it is some really huge gift, it is ignored as insufficient and almost patronized.  However, those we minister to personally notice and are grateful."  3.  We are most like God when we give: (This is the one that God really got me on.) "I disagree.  We are most like God when we love."  God's immediate response (and I mean immediate, I almost didn't get to finish the thought.  He knew what I was gonna think before I did, so He was more than ready with the answer) Ah, true, but true love automatically produces generosity.  If generosity isn't present, then neither is true love complete.  Ouch!!  First wake up call.

This morning I read week two day three and then watched the video "I like adoption."  Tears came to my eyes as I watched the smiles on the faces of the nine children that had been rescued from certain death by one family.  When it was over, I opened my Bible to Proverbs 11, because that is the chapter I was on, and the very first verse jumped out at me. I have printed it above.  Unjust scales: God laid it on my heart that I have some unjust scales laid up in my heart.  I don't even really know what they are yet, only that they are there.  It grieves me to realize this, but at the same time excites me.  Why?  Because as I mulled over the fact and felt the grief begin to form, I received comfort from my ever-loving Father who had me look up those definitions of generosity.  When I read the words "freedom from meanness or smallness of mind or character" I was ready to step away from the grief and begin anticipating the victory that is surely to come.  Even though I am not completely free in this area yet, I know my God is so generous Himself, that He will never leave me or forsake me in this area anymore than He would in any other.  I look forward to beginning to gain more freedom in the area of generosity as I learn just what unjust scales I have been weighing throughout my life.

Father, only in You is true freedom found.  I thank You for Your discipline in my life and that You never stop there, but continue on with me in love, reminding me, revealing new things to me and showing me the freedom I can have if I will simply trust and obey You in everything!!  Remove the unjust scales from my heart and set me free to be generous in all I say, think or do.  In Jesus' most precious, all powerful and holy name I ask it!!

On Being Responsible

Responsibility-The state or fact of having a duty to deal with something or of having control over someone. 
The state or fact of being accountable or to blame for something. 
The opportunity or ability to act independently and make decisions without authorization.

Recently I have been dealing with a 4 1/2 year old that is trying out the effects of lying to make self look better in other peoples' eyes.  At least that is what the enemy tells us it will do.  It is amazing that a child will say something right in your face and then say they didn't say it.  The other is when you say something to them and they try to deny you said it. Yesterday I asked this little one how many times I had lied to him.  He thought and thought, then looked at me and made a zero with his little hands.  I said, "Yes, zero.  So why would I start lying to you now?"  That took care of the problem of saying I hadn't said what I had said; at least for the day.  Later on I explained that lying and saying he had not said something he had did not make him look smarter or better in any way, but rather made him look ridiculous, as he had said it to my face.  That put an end to that as well...at least for the day. 

Taking responsibility for our own actions and admitting mistakes is not easy.  However, God promises us freedom if we do so.  He is always correct and always keeps His promises, so why do we still struggle with this so?

Psalm 8:4-6 tells us: "What is man that You take thought of him,
And the son of man that You care for him?
Yet You have made him a little lower than God,
And You crown him with glory and majesty!
You make him to rule over the works of Your hands;
You have put all things under his feet, (NASB)

All creation has been placed under our authority.  As part of His creation, that places us under our own authority, yet we try to push blame for our mistakes: war, abortion, hatred, jealousies, theft, rape, murder, incest, homosexuality, divorce, and so much more onto Him by saying that a loving God would not allow this.  Such a conundrum does not phase God.  He gave us the answer to it before time began: Give ourselves over to His authority and He will gladly take the responsibility for our actions.  Not only that, but He will repair damages done, heal our broken hearts and change us from lost and wandering sheep into shepherds. 

Many times in a department store you can hear a young child cry out, "but I want it!" or something similar.  Sometimes they simply throw themselves in the floor and pitch a fit.  However, they handle it, they are screaming to be in control and for their parent(s) to take control at the same time.  If the parent gives in to their whims, it makes it necessary to try it again and again just to see how far their parent(s) will allow them to go; how many "things" they can get away with.  If the parent chooses to say "NO!" and refuses to give in to the whim of their child for no other reason than to teach them that is not how to get what they want, the child learns quickly to change tactics.  It may take a few trials, because some are stronger willed than others (trust me, I know!!) but it is well worth the effort on the parent's part.  One day they will be amazed that their child sweetly asks for something rather than demanding it, and then understands when you say you can't afford it at this time; that is IF they do not give up and give in.  It takes much love and perseverance.

This is essentially what we have done with God.  First we tore ourselves away from Him and "divorced" Him as our parent because we wanted what we wanted - to do things our own way.  Then we started doing whatever we wanted, yet began screaming out for Him to take control.  We don't want Him as a parent, yet we are angry that He isn't?  Makes no sense to me.  All we have to do is ask Him to forgive us and take us back and He will do so with open arms.  The catch is, He will expect more of us than we do ourselves.  He will expect us to emulate Him rather than self, which is exactly what a parent tries to teach the whining child - emulate me.  The difference?  Parents can only do their best and make many mistakes. God, on the other hand, sets a perfect example of humility in strength, mercy in judgment, discipline in diversity, and love amongst hatred.  Whose example do we choose to follow?  The imperfect example of our earthly parents, our own fleshly desires or a perfect heavenly Father who will never lead us astray?  Does this mean we must be perfect?  Yes and no.  We cannot be perfect in our own strength, but Jesus in us IS perfect.  We just have to step aside and give Him full reign.

Just last Sunday I had the joy of sharing with our class that it doesn't matter what anyone in this world thinks about us, including ourselves, our friends and even our parents.  It only really matters what God thinks about us and He says we are His special creation, but we have to accept that designation and allow ourselves to truly be His.  Then He will make us into the person He originally designed us to be. 

Father, thank You for being the perfect parent that always sets the perfect example.  We, as parents, have made many mistakes, giving verbal direction without succumbing to the discipline ourselves.  You, however, loved us so much that You became human in the person of Jesus in order to reveal to us how to live by Your own personal example.  Thank You for loving us even though we turned our backs on You and walked away.  Thank You for coming and drawing us back to You through Jesus. 

In Fear I Run To God

I rise each morning as Job must have done with the question of how my family has been behaving hounding my heart.  This morning I felt drawn to read Psalm 56, where the first verse I ever deliberately memorized  is located.

What time I am afraid, I will trust in Thee.  Psalm 56:3
 

Such a simple and short verse, but one that has had a powerful impact on my being.  I learned this verse as a very young child.  I used to fear simply walking down the street to my best friend's house.  At the time it seemed so far away and as if anything could happen to me along the way.  My childhood best friend (who has gone home to be with the Lord) and I met when I was two and she was three.  She had an older sister who was the same age as one of my sisters and the two of them became best friends as well.  Needless to say, we were all at each others' houses frequently, almost daily.  The times it was our turn to go to their house were great, as long as my sister was able to go with me.  However, there were times when I was allowed to go and she wasn't (and other times visa versa) when I had to walk that seeming mile and a half by myself.  During that time I would say this verse over and over again until someone answered the door and said Susie could play.  If that didn't happen, ie: they weren't home or Susie had chores to do, I had to walk back, muttering this same verse all the way home.  A few years back I made a trip to see the "old homestead" and discovered that the trip was actually a few hundred feet rather than miles.  Funny how perspective changes as we grow, not only physically, but spiritually.

When I was fifteen, we moved away from that home to Herculaneum.  It was here that I received Jesus as Savior and Lord, was baptized, and married.  When I accepted Christ as Savior, I decided to make Him Lord as well.  Simply Savior was not enough.  I had too many fears - fear of walking down the street alone, fear of lack of accomplishment, fear of meeting people, fear of going anywhere new, fear, fear, fear....So, I decided that if I wanted to really be all I could for Jesus, He had to be Lord of my life, so I gave Him me.  I told Him I wasn't worth much, but that He could have me and use me as He saw best.  I began to crave to know Him better and so asked Him to help me study.  Over the years He has taken me to places in His word I never knew existed and has brought more excitement and confidence to my life than I ever dreamed possible.  However, I discover daily that I still have fears. 

As I mentioned above, the fear that my family may be displeasing or disappointing to Father God grieves my heart excessively.  There are times when I witness a hurtful event with one of them that I feel my heart will burst with grief.  There is both spiritual and physical pain in this, which may seem odd, but is true.  A few days ago I witnessed some angry and hurtful words being spoken between one of my children and a grandchild.  They both said hurtful things that I know they did not mean literally, but I immediately felt pressure in my chest as tears tried to push their way to the forefront.  Our child made the comment, "Don't speak hatefully to me!"  The child made a curt reply of similar nature and I could not help but say, "You are BOTH saying hateful things!"  It quieted them at least momentarily. 

When I think about how grieved I become, how literally pain and grief-filled it makes me to see and hear such things, I am reminded that God feels all of this on a much deeper scale than I, as He sent His Son to pay the price for those sins.  At the very moment we are committing them, we are turning our backs on His sacrifice and saying we want to do things our own way, because we know what is best for us.  He knows where such sin leads us.  Can You imagine the grief He must feel, knowing that He placed His only Son on the cross for us and we still have moments we reject Him?  Even so, He loves us so much that He waits patiently for us to come to Him in repentance, holds us in His arms, wipes away our tears and says, "Forgiven and forgotten my little one." 

When I sit in fear of my children being disobedient to God, or fear of my husband not eating properly and so asking for health issues, or fear of going distant places alone (and by distant I mean anything over ten miles away), I am saying, "God, You can't handle this.  If I don't try to change my children, my husband's eating habits or find a way to do all I need to do as close to home as possible, everything will go wonky."  So in effect I am saying, "God, I am more powerful, more wise, more loving, more capable than You."  It is this that I speak to the world rather than the faith I want to speak to them.  So this morning I make the following my heart cry before God:

My enemies (Satan and his dominions) hound me all day, for there are many who fight against me, O Most High.  Whenever I am afraid I will trust in You.  In God (I will praise His word), In God I have put my trust; I will not fear.  .....  You number my wanderings; put my tears in Your bottle; are they not in Your book?  When I cry out to You, then my enemies will turn back; this I know, because God is for me.  In God (I will praise His word), In the Lord (I will praise His word), In God I have put my trust; I will not be afraid.  Psalm 56:2-3 and 6-11